THE SIMCITY 2000 NEWSPAPER PROJECT

The Newspaper feature of SimCity 2000 allowed an indirect evaluation of the city while containing much of the game's humor in the form of clickable newspaper articles that appear depending on city variables (problems, after disasters, after population goals, etc.). In addition to substituting in city names and mayor names, there's a number of "mad libs" style blanks (various real life cities, animals, names, exclamations, and others, with about 1,400 variables). There are 300 different stories that appear in the SimCity 2000 newspapers, and this page attempts to document them (and some rather silly filenames), with the page growing over time (currently representing about about a third of the available stories). It would be nice to extract the text files as some of these are cut off in-game, but I can't do that right now.

"Water Shortage Reported": This is found in the Flint scenario (regarding the economic recession, not water laced with heavy metals). It will appear if your city has water not reaching a majority of the population.
"Pizza In 3 Hours": Sign of bad traffic, "Dominators" pizza ceases its thirty minutes or free guarantee. (The real Domino's eventually stopped that years ago)
"I'm A Person, Not a Man": Advice column parodying 1990s political correctness (doesn't seem so outrageous now, does it?!)
"[CITYNAME] Charter Signed": You get this one when you start a new game!
"Toxic Tornado Only Injures 4400": This one is often changed through variables, including numbers, adjectives, names of cities. This is not after YOUR city gets hurt with a tornado.
"Traffic Bites!": This is how you know you're playing a game; rarely does anyone in an opinion piece all but state "everyone should use public transit but me" so succintly.
"[ADJECTIVE] Games": Hosting the "Grey Games" for seniors.
"24 Dead in New Jersey Fire": Another "mad libs" style column about the rest of the world.
"Prime Minister Trapped!": Often has alternate titles, world news. Usually this is one of the first newspaper articles.
"Quatar Appeals for Help": World news with variables. Qatar is misspelled.
"Sting Clobbers 125": The pawn shop appears to be always used in the base article, only who owns it changes.
"[CITYNAME] Booming [ADVERB]": You get this when the city population passes 120k and you get arcologies.
"Crash Halts Llama": 63 passengers are killed when a jet plane crashes into a store called "T-shirts & Tights".
"[CITYNAME] Bullitzer": Guessing it's because "Pulitzer" is a trademark.
"Only One Cavity!": May be triggered by high health ratings in the city. Maybe.
"Brownouts Cost Business": You need another power plant.
"Dromedaries Pound Cheetahs": May use stadium team names, but a variable-using headline for sports.
"Cop Nabs Cat": Not always a cat, could be another animal.
"Lane Market": Farmer's market setting up in your city.
"We Desire Fire Stations!": When you don't have enough fire stations in your city.
"Guerillas Threaten Enemy Base": Irreelvant to your actual city. "Kinky Intentions" sounds like some sort of fetish-themed nightclub.
"A Born Liar": Another "MisSim" column.
"Cantankerous Industry": High education and good economy.
"Heat In The 90's": Just a weather report.
"Kingpin Impacted": "Impacted" is a swappable verb.
"Parking Space Envy": Alas, those poor city dwellers, not having their own garage to park in!
"Trouble Getting Around": High traffic.
"Johnny Can't Read": Not enough schools/poor funding.
"Innsbruk Constructs Plymouth Arco": Could be random "other city", but this is when Plymouth Arcos are available (by date, not by population).
"Nasty Rashes Linked to Rubber Nipple": "Rubber nipple" is probably another variable, but man does this one sound off-color.
"Libya Fight": World news.
"Nurses Threaten Strike": Poor healthcare funding.
"Call for Hospitals": Not enough hospitals.
"Teachers Desire Support": Not enough schools/poor funding.
"Rate Drops to 3%": I believe this signals a record low for issuing bonds, meaning you'll pay out the nose a little less than normal if you spring for the bait.
"Mumbling Idiot": Another "MisSim" column with terrible advice as usual.
"Morning Fogs": Weather again.
"Mega Monster Thrashes [CITYNAME]!": In this case, the Hollywood scenario.
"Threatened Renter": Another "bad economy" story.
"Melodious Communists": World news.
"Expect Bull Market": Possible recovering economy.
"Speckled Astigmatism": Random-variable story.
"Trophy Maker Recruited": Sports story. "Trophy Maker" is another variable.
"Child Care Fight": The variables often don't make much sense...
"Hurricane Warning": Weather report. Might actually hit city.
"Skulls for Sale": "Bad economy" story.
"Rioters Destroy Embassy": World news.
"[CITYNAME] Hero": Upbeat local story.
"Naysayers Say Nay": High crime story.
"Funky Smog": High pollution.
"Cherry Point Protests": Could be other "random place".
"Unemployment Worries": This one hits a little close to home.
"'Jack County": This seems to be another random story. Who doesn't love restaurant opening news?
"Wichita 19, Buttonwillow 4": Sports story.
"Sulky Algebra": Good education.
"Dr. Zimmerman Builds Orbital Power": I'm not sure if "orbital power" is an alternate name for the microwave power plant or a dummy invention to fill space. I'll have to look more into it.
"Monster Frightens [CITYNAME]": Alternate "monster attack" story.
"Forest Arco Erected by Sydney": Forest arcologies invented.
"Street Rugby Improves": Not sure if it links to any actual city variables here.
"Traffic Awful!": Comparing mass transit to school buses might not be the best argument there...
"Safe Avenues": Low crime. I've also seen the same story appear with "Safe Streets".
"Mayor in the Dark": Power supply issues in the city.
"[OCCUPATION] Gets [BODY PART]": In this case, donating pinky fingers.
"Sports Great Dies": Local soccer player Andrew "Disheveled" Matthews dies at age 102.
"Snail Fundraiser": Another nonsensical story, probably could replace "snail" with anything.
"[ADJECTIVE] Court Ruling": National news.
"[CITYNAME] Founded": You get this when starting a new game.
"Stalkers Avenue Book Burning": Ah, the early 1990s, when it was the Right that was more likely to be pro-censorship.
"Market Halts": Economic news, may be related to the simulation.
"Students Play Mayor": Meta humor.
"Cold Front Reported": Weather report.
"Hostilities Flare in Thailand": World news.
"Bulldog Avenue Shootout": Crime news (probably).
"Dallas Installs Desalinization Plants": "Dallas" is another "real city" variable, but this is when desalinization plants are invented and you can place them in town.
"Meltdown Raises Fears": After a nuclear meltdown.
"Airport Means Business": At the point when your commerce demands an airport.
"[CITYNAME] Awakens!": Your city has hit population 2000! You get a mansion paid for by the people.
"Doctor Mom": There's those rubber nipples again! This one is on crusty rubber nipples, no less.
"Ferret Walks 131 Miles Home": This one takes place in Texas or maybe Louisiana. There is a cut-off portion that other alternate articles do cover in more detail.
"Banks Match Fed": Interest is now at 6%, better not take any bonds.
"Mario's Market Shootout": Well, which is it? Mario's Market, or Sam's Market?
"Truck Blocks Lane": High traffic, presumably.
"Bold Day at Capitol": Political news that means nothing.
"Corrosive Legal Air Action": High air pollution.
"Census on Llama Pox": Random story.
"Tasty Pimples": [ADJECTIVE] [TYPE OF ILLNESS/MALADY], actually. The variables change.
"6 Car Tangle": Variables will probably change some of these, but 6 cars involved, eight people dead? Even that horrific Dallas pileup with the ice had a 20:1 chance of a given car making it out with no fatalities (assuming one person per car).
"Manning Traded": If only the variables were Peyton instead.
"[CITYNAME] Chopper Thrashed": Click on the helicopter with the centering tool to shoot it down.
"More Power to Us!": Brownouts in the city; need more power.
"Fire Incinerates Greenback's Bank": Reports of a fire in the city. There's T-shirts & Tights again.
"Flames Cook Private Jet": Another fire report. Pulled [BODY PART] is back, this time an eyeball. Yikes!
"Business Struggle": Labor shortage, build more Residential zoning.
"Love Is Sweeter Than Money": MisSim column on dating advice.
"Study on Delusions": Have YOU been hurting any frogs recently?
"[CITYNAME] is Toxic!": It's all fun and games until you realize the chemical spill scenario was based in Houston where a truck carrying anhydrous ammonia somehow ran off the side of the highway.
"The Police Suck!": High crime in the city.
"Alien Probe Lands": Headline after monster attack.
"Mr. Right? Wrong!!": MisSim column.
"Zero Earwax Build-Uppus": Actually "Zero [DISEASE]" (possibly [MADE-UP DISEASE]).
"Mousers Inches to Playoffs!": It's been a long time enough since I built the city "Meowza" I forgot if I named my team to the Mousers. Would be funny if I didn't, though.
"Talks Pulled": I don't want to know what's going in the last line in this article!
"Bitter Bond Market": Changing federal rate.
"Jamaica Closes Borders": World news.
"[CITYNAME] Wins Gold": Sports news.
"[COUNTRY] Appeals For Help": World news.
"Vicious Clouds": After pollution disaster.

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